Say

Two and a half years of: confusion... questions... frustration... complication... stories... adventure... laughter... humiliation... conversation... silence... memories...

"Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say"

I thank you for your words Mr. Mayer...

This end is one I can live with.

Sitting with ghosts...

The eerie feeling that what was will never be again doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I've learned that the place will always be there (even amidst fire)... it is the people who come and go. Each time we leave never knowing if ever our paths will cross again. I will be the first to admit that for better or worse they have each left an imprint. Some a bit larger then others... but none the less they have been made. I have taken to calling them ghosts.

Moving forward seems so daunting... so overwhelming... it seems so easy to just stay and lament with the ghosts about what was.

However inviting that may seem I think it is time to unpack... take a deep breath... and look forward.

Keeping my Fingers Crossed

And that is all i have to say about that.

Simplicated

I can't figure it out. Really I've tried. The sensible thing to do would be to not worry or think about it but just enjoy what is. However what happens when the simple becomes complex.

I worry and I fight....

I sit and wonder....

Sometimes I am embarassed of the person I become....

Other times I am greatful for the time and the converstation....
it is because of these that it makes it all alright. This is what keeps me coming back for more.

The million dollar question is it worth it?

Lost and Found

Funny how you can find things in unexpected places....

How you have to put your contacts back in just so you can find where you placed your glasses the last time you took them off....

How you can find safety and security in a place that is so vulnerable to fires...

How you can find friendship with only knowing someone for just a short while... and in other cases rediscovering lost friendships... and in even other cases realizing that the friendship that used to be wasn't totally ruined in the first place. A second chance.

Funny how you can go somewhere to " find yourself" and in the meantime become even more lost then when you started.

How it feels that in order to move forward you need to lay your past to rest... and yet in doing so you are losing precious time in the present and the future.

How you can feel so comfortable in a place where you know you shouldn't.

24 years

Here's to a year full of smiles, memories, and plenty of adventures.

Broadsided

Every once in a while you are confronted with a problem. Not unlike 100's of small problems you face daily. However, this small seemingly insignificant challenge turns out to be the key to upset a whole landslide of issues... just waiting to surface. With it come insecurities, uncertainty, confusion amongst a whole host of emotions.

A few days ago I felt as though I had been hit flat in the face with a 2X4.

For now the best I can do is take it one day at a time.

Last Day of May

I'm not sure if I'm ready, but these next 6 months are going to be interesting.

The first 3 will be filled with the familiar. A place that I have come to call home. Yet as sure as it is home like there will be plenty of adventure. I leave tommorow.

The three months after that I will be focusing on finding a new adventure. For which I really have know ideas. I have a feeling that the wind will blow, and because I'm pretty light I will be blown along with it. Scary? YES!

But I can't help but wonder... where will I be 6 months from now.

Unsuspected wisdom

Had I not gone in to ask a question...

Again ones choices seem to be highlighted. Those crazy instances where you take the long way home and something happens. Unexpected, yes.... good or bad.... it doesn't matter, the fact is the decisions you've made that day have lead you to a moment. Some times you are aware of the significance and other times you are not....

needless to say, I left in tears.

I don't know what she saw in me... or if she does this for all of her students... but I will be forever grateful for her willingness to share some thoughts. These thoughts were not of the normal student professor nature, it was fundamentally different. Her disclosure contained no answers, and yet I left her office with a whole new outlook, and the courage to move forward. She told me I was going to be OK, and "where I am" is right where I need to be.

I wish I had a recording of this conversation.... I knew what she was saying was important. So important that the moment I made if home I wrote down notes. She talked of grace...being a good person...the work that you do does not define what kind of a person you are... the doughnut man... the person you are will follow you... that happiness matters... she said many more things that I wish I could remember.

A life changing moment?...

I realize that just about every moment of your life could be that life altering moment. The one that has a before and an after. However, when you are unaware of what could happen things are a little different then going out and pursuing a life changing event.

Today I finally finished something I had been thinking about for a very long time.

There are a lot of unknown variables at this point... but I just shook up the dice a little bit, and I'm going to let them fall as they may.

Here's to stepping up to the plate...

Paper Clip For Your Thoughts?

I posed my questions in my last post to a friend who kindly replied. I liked his prospective so I thought I would post it here. A fitting response to my wonderment.

"Speaking of thoughts, I've thought about your questions regarding fear and clinging. I think humans always sort of fear losing things. Maybe because we're mortal and it seems like all things are bound to end in some way or another. That whole idea probably does make us clingy and nervous. It sucks to think that good things might end or never start at all. It sucks that we have to die. It's kinda cool though too. Let me explain... I think it's cool because it helps us to do great things. Knowing we could go anytime makes us eagar to experience with unbridled restraint (at least it should). It helps us to laugh and reinvent ourselves from moment to moment in order to "get the most" out of each day. Sooo, I guess really haven't answered your questions, but I have sort of addressed them in a round about way. :)"

If you are afraid of losing something...

Does that fear make you cling harder?

Is that always the best thing to do?

Does that clinging make the object in question move faster and farther away?

If you leave it alone can you trust that it will stay? Or come back if it has already moved away?

How do you know what the right balance of clinging and trusting is?

Snowman Construction

Winter seems to have become a fleeting moment here in central Wisconsin. The snow and the cold barely arrives before Christmas and yesterday, January 26 felt like spring. Coming from northern MN where the snow would come in droves somewhere between Halloween and Thanksgiving, and having school canceled due to record low temperatures (-60 F) this new trend is very unsettling.

One can't replace the sound of your boots in the snow as you cross the lake on a moon lit night, or the countless hours spent sledding, in snowman construction, and skating on the imperfect rink.

I built my first snowman in years while I was home over break. I can only hope that it won't be my last.